I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
