I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
