A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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