how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
