Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
