During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
