Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
