no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
