singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
