Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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