Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
