I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
