What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
