Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
