I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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