"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
