Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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