dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
