I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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