I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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