she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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