I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
