I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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