i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
