She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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