Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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