My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
