I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
