i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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