Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize