I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
