my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She tied me up with her honor cords...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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