I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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