I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
