found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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