I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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