hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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