My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
