apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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