You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They have beer where we have blood.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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