Will you blow on my dice?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
