i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
