xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
