coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
