I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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