my phone needs a breathalizer
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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