i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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