FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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