I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
