I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you didnt know i had herpes?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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