You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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