when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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