peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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