my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
