the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
