Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
