Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
bring money and cleavage
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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