I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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