i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
