I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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