I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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