My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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