How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
