I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
