Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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